WORDS FAIL

I haven’t really felt like blogging about this until now, but I felt like such a huge event needed to be remembered in a way, if not just to sort out my feelings on the whole thing. I can’t believe that the world has lost such a talent, it seems as if every thing’s a little darker now, a duller shade. To imagine such a life taken so early, is unjust. Not only his, but everything and everyones. So many wonderful talents taken before the world could truly get to see them, to understand them. Stripped without reason or meaning just to become a fading star, immortalised forever but yet so heartbreakingly mortal. RIP, Heath. You will be sorely missed.

So basically, you’re meant to say ten things to ten people without saying their names. Maybe it’s healthy. So here goes.

1. For so long I let your hatred and your bitterness towards me effect the way I saw myself. I assumed that you being unable to forgive me was a reflection on me, meant that I didn’t deserve it. It took me a long time, but I’ve finally realized that I never needed your forgiveness, only my own. And for what it’s worth, I forgive you too.

2. I’ll always protect you, you’ve been raised as my sister and I love you and your brother to death. I know he’s hurting and we’ll help him because it’s been us against the world so many times and we’ve always, always pulled through. I’m so proud of you and the steps you’ve become to be the person I know you can be.

3. You’re the only person who has the ability to strike fear into me – not as in I’m scared for you, which I am, but as in I’m scared of how I’ll go living without you. I hear how he makes you hurt and I hate it -it’s like he can steal a little bit more of you away each time and I don’t think you realize, that the way you fear losing him is similar to the way I fear losing you. You’re my sister in each and every way the meaning counts and if I were to lose you, it would be the same as if you were to lose him. And you know how much I hate that, needing a friend or family member because I’ve always been so set on only needing myself. But I’ve come to rely on you, and I’m scared of losing that. But I don’t know how to hold on. I’m trusting you with this one, sister. ‘Cause I do loveoo.

4. Our history is long, and the wounds have cut so deep that I can’t even feel them anymore. They say time heals all wounds, but times made this one worse. But it’s okay. I can live without you.

5. I miss you. I love you. Live free, swim with your dolphins and know you changed my world for the better.

6. Sometimes people disappoint you, but I still love you. I’m just not sure I know you anymore.

7. Why can’t I trust you?

8. You’re a good friend. We laugh and talk for hours, and hours, and we fangirl and go crazy and you just know how to heal me. So thank you.

9. Our bond is deep and strong and I love that you understand me and music. It makes me feel like maybe you understand everything.

10. I’m not afraid of you.

Cleaning, is for the lose. I’ve spent the night before last, last night, and all this morning cleaning. And my bedroom is still not clean. Yes, people, this is my bedroom I’m talking about. Not the entire house, just my room. It gets like this after awhile (okay, a long time) of not cleaning and then I clean it and everytime I swear it won’t get like that again. But of course it does. I think I’m just incurably messy.

I think that the greatest freedom comes from releasing a fear. I also think that there is a distinct difference between releasing a fear, and conquering one. To conquer a fear, you must face it and come out unscathed. But does that necessarily mean that you no longer fear this emotion or situation? I don’t think so. Perhaps, to release a fear, you don’t even have to face it. But just to let it go. To have faith that you will come out the other side and there will be something or someone waiting for you. It doesn’t always happen straight away, but if you hold on for just another day, another week, something will always find you. Will help you heal yourself. I also think that we put way too much stock in waiting for our lives to change – and waiting for someone to do it for us. As much as I believe there are people and situations in our lives that we rely on to help us through, that we rely on to guide us into our new state of life, it ultimately comes down to you. A ‘I can show you the door, but you must walk through it yourself’ kind of situation. So I guess my question for todays blog is: What are you waiting for? We go through lives thinking “One day I’ll be different. I’ll be better/smarter/healthier/happier. One day.”
One day.
It might be all you have.. so why wait?

Is it possible to forget how to sleep? It’s been so long since I’ve slept properly that lately I feel like my life is a sports game on mute. you can see the acts but without the narration you don’t know who’s calling the shots. I suppose i know the way to make this all end but it’s not something i’m willing to do. over-emphasised and under-felt but i don’t have the heart to do what you do. or is it lack thereof? i’d rather be the broken than the breaker.

i’ve been thinking about you more than ever lately. trying to prepare. seems the closer i try to get the further i move away and now theres nothing but space. shining a light on everything and just realising how dirty it is. things look better in the dark.

I’m feeling restless. A burning need to do something mixed with an overwhelming feeling of laziness. half empty promises and glasses not quite full. like walking on the moon except theres actually gravity. things that can’t co-exist yet somehow seem to be.

i really dont mean to push you away but i can tell from the start you won’t fit inside the world in my head. you burnt that bridge a long time ago and it’s ok now. your story to tell your grandkids but dont count on me to be a witness. how many times will you check your email before you realise i’m not writing?

i promise i’ll smile and play nice and pretend everythings okay . but people are going to start to learn about me and i won’t fit into the ideal you’ve described to them as me. a puppet and your holding the strings but i won’t follow cue anymore.

i’ve been on my own for a long time now.

a never-ending-dream tripping in the cobwebbed lies and conversing with the dead. don’t know why it ends with someone screaming my name but it does. I want to cover my eyes and make it all go away.

Happy 2008, friends.

I’m reflecting back on 2007 with this post. I don’t wish to say that it was a bad year, but it feels like a lie to try to put the image out that it was a good one. A lot of good things happened, but the entire year just seems to have a sour tinge to it. Major tragedies happened, the death of Mick, Erins car crash. Things evolved, Kris went overseas, I got a new job. There are months wracked with worry intermingled with days full of laughter. I learnt much about myself, found an inner strength, an ability to stand alone and be independant that I never knew I had. But I also learnt that it’s okay to depend, and to lean upon the people closest to you for support. There were new friendships formed, and for the first time in a long time, there were no old friendships broken. Old flames rekindled then put out. It was a year full of change and lessons learnt, and I’m guilty of wishing that I didn’t learn some of them. But in the grand scheme of things, I may not be very happy with the way this year has panned out, but I am happy at the person it’s made me become. I had a quiet new years – I prefer to reflect than get smashed, and maybe I’ll carry this newfound responsibility with me into 2008. I don’t make many new years resolutions, but I will make this one: 2008 will be the year I stop living my life as a spectator, analysing situations from the sidelines. I’ve always been a watcher, a dreamer, a thinker. And I love that aspect of myself, I do, I’m just sometimes scared that I’ll spend too much time thinking about life and not enough time living it. 2008 is my year to change that.

Thank you to all the friends I’ve made in 2007, both online and off – I love you all and I hope we stay close.
Much love,

xo.

Another revamp!
Yep, I got sick of Scarlett pretty quick. This ones featuring Haley, Nathan and Brooke from OTH and lyrics from Paramore’s
wonderful song, ‘Misery Buisness’.

I remember this song from my Pa. He used to swing me on the swings and sing to me:

“We will fly way up high
Where the cold wind blows
Or in the sun, laughin’ havin’ fun
With all the people that she knows
And if the situation should keep us separated
You know the world won’t fall apart
And you will free the beautiful bird
That’s caught inside your heart

Can’t you hear her, oh she cries so loud, casts her wild note over water and cloud

That’s the way it’s gonna be little darling we’ll be riding on the horses yeah,
Way up in the sky little darli-in’, and if you fall I’ll pick you up, pick you up…

You will grow and until you go
I’ll be right there by your side
And even then whisper the wind
And she will carry up your ride
I hear all the people of the world
In one bird’s lonely cry
See them tryin’ every way they know how
To make their spirit fly.”

I’ve been thinking about that song and about Pa a lot in general lately. I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because of Christmas, maybe it’s just because I miss him. I was only 11 when he died, but we had something special. So this is for you, Pa.

Oh – New layout too. Scarlett is too pretty.

there was something so pleasant about that place. even your emotions had an echo, in so much space.

Natalie won Aus. Idol! Yay, good for her.
Kya has been busy at work on the secret site. ;) All we be revealed soon.
So says the crystal ball.